What Not To Wear: Halloween Edition

by Madison Silvers

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Halloween is upon us and with it comes terribly cliched costumes, low-budget horror films, and a disturbing rise in candy corn sales nationwide. It also brings the second best version of Reese’s peanut butter cups (the eggs are #1 don’t @ me) and the one chance you’ll have all year to wear a bubblegum-pink wig and get away with it. I personally love Halloween, and the moment September strikes I can be found bombarding my group text with makeup tutorials for Pennywise the clown, followed by, ‘think I can pull this off?’ Some ideas are better in theory. 

It’s not hard to stay away from the really terrible ideas but when there’s a will there’s a way, and with the onslaught of pumpkins comes costume manufacturers who really, really don’t know how to read a room. We can’t tell you what to wear but we can tell you what not to wear, and isn’t that half the battle?

 

 

‘Sexy’ Inanimate Object

Listen, I grew up in Kansas. I know corn about as well as one can know a food, and there’s nothing sexy about it. It gets stuck in your teeth, it’s only good when it’s drowned in butter, and it’s covered in hair—does that scream ‘cute and fun’ to you? 

Now imagine you’re walking through the aisles of your local Halloween store (you know, the one in the abandoned Sears) and you see it: the holy grail of costumes. Sexy Corn. You have only one acceptable option and it most certainly does not involve buying said costume, putting it on, and wearing it in public. Run away, far and fast. Save yourself. 

This goes for Sexy Refrigerator, Sexy Remote Control, Sexy Tractor, the list goes on. If they have to put ‘sexy’ in the title it means the thing you’re dressing as is so unbearably un-sexy that the poor pair of stockings included in the package is putting the team on its back. It’s 2018, say no to Sexy Corn. 

 

Props Galore

I’m reluctant to say props are night-ruiners but in this case the shoe fits. Keeping track of an assortment of knick-knacks is annoying at best and infuriating at worst. Want to hold a drink? Hope you’re okay parting with that wand, Mr. Potter. Trying to tell a story? Take off those claws, Freddy Krueger, before you take out an eye. 

If your costume is a mystery unless you’re holding a dozen stuffed dogs (I’m Cruella DeVill, get it?) there is a one hundred percent chance of you returning home empty-handed. People love props—that’s why we still choose costumes that have them—so no less than twenty partygoers will want to hold it for a picture or wave it around at their friends. You will lose it, you will get frustrated when you can’t find it, and you will end up interrogating someone in a leprechaun costume by the end of the night. It’s the way of the world. 

 

Don't Be THAT Person

As we mentioned before, it’s 2018. The internet has existed for years, so your excuse that you didn’t know your feathered headdress was over the line just isn’t going to work. Google is your friend, now use it. There are hundreds of lists written by people who can explain in detail which costumes are offensive and why it’s not okay to wear them on Halloween, so we’ll pass the torch to them in lieu of pretending we have all of the answers. Our best advice? Use some common sense when dressing up. No one likes the person who shows up to a party as the physical manifestation of their drunk uncle’s tasteless jokes at Thanksgiving.




Madison Silvers
Madison Silvers

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