April 18, 2019 2 min read
Scrolling through your Instagram feed can leave you with a case of FOMO on even the most low-key of Tuesdays. Sandwiched between envy-inducing vacation shots of that influencer you hate-follow and over-edited Sugar Bear Hair ads is a photo of your middle school crush getting engaged, and suddenly your afternoon is shot as you spend the next four hours contemplating bangs and power-swiping on all of your dating apps. Pop on over to the explore page and you’ll find a new circle of hell—people much younger than you doing much, much better than you. There’s a special sort of rage reserved for nineteen year olds that just purchased their first house when you still consider Whole Foods fine dining.
Despite it all, we just can’t stay away from Instagram. No amount of shaky concert footage, low-quality eclipse photos, or amateur makeup tutorials could convince us to part ways with our accounts, but some days test our limits.
Each year in April, thousands of people rush to the desert for a weekend of music, art, and questionable outfit choices. The festival grounds are bursting at the seams with picture-perfect backgrounds and colorful installations that only the strongest of Insta-users could resist snapping a pic with. Don’t worry, we’re not judging you for your Coachella posts—we’re guilty of those too, after all—but by Saturday afternoon we’re ready to tear our hair out at the roots. Please have mercy, and at the very least keep the stories to a minimum. Your fledgling videographer career isn’t taking off from 300 yards away from the stage.
In defense of Valentine’s Day, it’s not that bad of a holiday. Even those of us who aren’t spending it with a significant other can enjoy the ambiance (flowers and candy? What’s not to love?) but it’s time to put a stop to cheesy Insta posts in the name of Hallmark. Seven photos of your boyfriend looking reluctant to take a picture with the caption, ‘HVD to this one’ isn’t moving the needle for us, and when that same post is repeated approximately thirteen trillion times it’s time to log off.
Surviving Thanksgiving and Black Friday should be an Olympic sport—if you made it through the week without crying and/or threatening a family member with bodily harm, you win—but Cyber Monday is the final hurdle. Every other post is an ad for something you don’t need but definitely want, and because it’s on sale you just have to have it. Two hours later your bank account is empty and you’re wondering why you purchased three pairs of boots that look exactly the same. Save yourself before it’s too late and remember, you’re not missing anything good (except our bikinis)—you already saw the live feed of Walmart on Black Friday and that footage is up for an Oscar.
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